Black Friday...Day of the Dingus

BLACK FRIDAY ! dun , dun , dun ...... It's come and gone again, the day when normal minded people loose all sensibility and camp out in alleyways to be the first in a long line of morons.

First of all, anyone in retail will tell you that Black Friday ( while huge ) is not the biggest day of the year in sales. In fact it's not even in the top three for most establishments. No , the three biggest days in retail are actually Christmas Eve, the day before and the day before that.. If Christmas day happens to fall on a Sunday then it's a lock. Sure the big companies put out some big sales on Black Friday but it's all a sham. A sham that apparently runs like clockwork every single year.

If you own a retail store ( especially in a mall ) then you know what is going on. You just wrote a check that is sure to bounce unless you can blow through a shit load of product between Black Friday and Christmas Eve. You've waited all year to do this. Ten and a half months of breaking even at best has left you suicidal and praying that the American economy bounces back this year. You already know that you will make 30 to 50 percent of your yearly sales in the 5 "big weeks" leading up to Christmas. You are trying to maximise your sales potential and you've bought way to much inventory. If you planed your deliveries right then you have it all in your shop right around November 10th.

Now you wait, and stress. Faced with bills that exceed your mental capability to rationalize you take stock of your ...............stock. You've got way to much , if you don't sell a certain portion of it your screwed. Big bills, no money , and way too much inventory. A company can not profit in this way. What's the answer ? Black Friday .

Put it on sale ! Drop the price ! I'll make up my margin by selling more units !

It's actually a good little plan. Why ? Because you know that the American consumer is a highly stressed out individual who is desperate to give you their hard earned money. You KNOW  that every American is so brainwashed to the giving side of the holidays that they will break the bank for Christmas even if the bank has already broken them.

You KNOW that the majority of the people that come in to your store are on the verge of destitution. You KNOW  that most people will fore go bills,braces for the kids,car payments,house payments,liens,court fees, and just about any other form of debt so long as they can produce a "good" Christmas for their loved ones. Americans will do anything and everything to that end. Hell , even people who have no money at all will open credit cards with the sole desire to succeed at the holidays.

I don't blame you store owner, if there is money to be made then go make it. It's not your fault that the American public is so brainwashed that they can't help but to freak out during the holidays. So much so that they don't mind stepping on a fellow human to arrive at the Target sale 5 seconds earlier than the next guy.

http://www.wivb.com/dpp/news/buffalo/Crazed-shoppers-pile-up-at-Target

I also don't blame those of you who enjoy Black Friday ( or any other sale ) correctly. Hell , I remember the Kmart special. I remember hanging with Moms and Aunt Patty at Kmart till all hours of the night just so they could get the midnight specials on gifts. Not to mention the once a year joy of all 3 of us kids sleeping the night away, worn out from 6 hours of isle 7 hockey. Complete with plastic bats and the plastic fruits from the 3 dollar door wreaths.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit a piece of plastic the size of a marble with a stolen wiffle ball bat ? It's hard yo !

So for those of you who don't freak out about your place in line and just go shopping , I salute you. At least you didn't end up like this.

Packing heat I mean.

or like this ..................

OMG i hope the cart is waiting !

Now don't get me wrong people. I love Christmas, I always have. I love the giving , the receiving, the bows , and most importantly the fact that it brings families together. When a child who still believes in Santa first sees the stash under the tree it's magical. It's the best thing on earth. But I'm afraid that that phenomenon has been destroyed by the multitude who feel the need to keep up with the Kardashians.

Need proof ? Here ya go .

Crazed shoppers stampede a Target

Marine stabbed by shoplifter in Georgia

Man arrested for packing gun at Walmart

Food court placed on lock down after gunshots

Shopper arrested after cutting in line ....arguing 



Pirate of The Caribbean you aint.

Ah yes the human spirit. . The unbeatable giant that rests deep within us all. Some deeper than others of course, but it's there just the same in each and every one of us.

We hear about it all the time. Even with all the horrible tragedies and murder suicides that seem to plague the news rolls daily. Despite all the political scandals and stories about animal cruelty, you can't watch the news long before you get that one heartwarming story of human triumph to even things out for you. The real feel good stories. You know the ones , the stories that are almost too outrageous to be true, but sure enough there it is on tape lifting your spirits and making want to be a better person.

Like when that guy sawed off his own arm to free himself of a fallen boulder. Or when that 11 year old girl got trapped in a flash flood and subsequently got sucked down a storm drain. Only to emerge three blocks away completely among the living. Or the time Sandra Bullock dyed her hair and set out to rescue an innocent giganto from the mean streets Memphis and turn him into a football star. Yeah , and the best part is that all those wonderful stories are completely 100% true!

Sadly , so is this one.   

Man stuck on island for five days had cell phone

read the full story here

What started out as yet another story of human endurance and the will of the human spirit quickly turned out to be far more comical. Too bad , I hate it when a good story gets ruined by the truth. Oh no wait , (giggle) I love it, and this one is pretty good.

A 54 year old artist from Encino, CA found himself all Tom Hank'sd on a tiny swath of land called Roe Island after failing to successfully captainise his tiny rubber raft from the Sacremento River all the way out to the Golden Gate bridge. Upon becoming stranded Brian "Goat Man" Hopper's survival instincts kicked right on in to fifth gear. He survived on some vitamins he'd brought with him as well as some of the native foliage and the two ( count em two) burritos he had packed for the trip. Hell, he even managed to fashion himself a makeshift S.O.S. sign with some duct tape and a red table cloth.

One can only assume that the duct tape was brought along just in case his $300 inflatable raft sprung a leak. As for the table cloth ? Who doesn't like a nice solo picnic underneath the Golden Gate bridge ? I know I do. So in this fashion the "Goat Man" survived for five days on his deserted island despite a lack of food , clean drinking water and by all reports some horrible weather.

The problem of course is this ............HE HAD A CELLPHONE THE WHOLE TIME!

When asked why he didn't use it sooner he replied , and I quote ,

"I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island" and "I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land ... I didn't want to spend the taxpayers' money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy."

Well at least that's a good reason, shame, I can dig that. But there is nothing shameful about being shipwrecked, it's been happening to sailors longer than scurvy. So why the big sense of impending embarrassment ? Perhaps it had something to do with his ships manifest of supplies.

camping supplies, two burritos, a bag of vitamins, a bible, and a mannequin of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

HEY-OOOOOOO there it is! A mannequin of the Govenator , a tent , some curious "vitamins" , just enough burritos for two and a Bible, just to keep it all holy. Right then , that's completely normal.

Just one question. Sir, were you or were you not , planning to slip a roofie into a homemade burrito and feed it to an inanimate likeness of Arnold Swartzenager with the criminal intent of getting biblical on that ass?

Yeah , "Goat Man" indeed. The "man's" story goes as follows.

"This trip was a campaign,"--- "I wanted to bring more attention to social diseases."

Uh huh , it sounds to me like you had more than a few social diseases with you in that raft. I think I would have eatin that cell phone before even thinking of calling for help.



this has been a Hapa-Blap

   

An original bad ass

You may or may not know that I enjoy the game of texas hold em poker and if you have played the game for any amount of time you understand that it is not unusual to go a mind numbing amount of hands without being dealt crap. Nothing suited , connected , or god forbid paired. The kind of run that tempts a person to push all in with a 9-5 off-suit just because it's mathematically possible to make a straight. Or perhaps raise it up 8 times the big blind just because you haven't seen a card with a picture on it since you sat down. Poker players know. But i digress. It's during these runs that I find my mind wandering to odd places. Which I'm certain is directly related to chips leaving my stack . Here's an example.

During my latest bad run I began to wonder about certain seemingly simplistic things and how they came about. My mind immediately locked on to the horseshoe. Yes the horseshoe. ( don't ask me why ) And if you are a cowboy just stop reading now for this will surely be irritating. Now, I'm picturing the early domestication of the horse and trying in vain to contemplate the first genius that thought to themselves. " well lets see here I'm a human , I weigh about 180 pounds . I'm powerfully concerned about the condition this 2000 pound animals feet." ( By the way the idiot in my imagination has three teeth and wad of levi garret hangin out his pie hole.)   " I reckon the thing to do here is nail a piece of iron onto it's foot "

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME ? It's a damn horse ! Horses in the wild don't have a store where they can pick up the latest steel kicks do they ? How did this happen for the first time ? Who the hell had the stones to try this ? I'm mean at some point in history  nobody had ever shoed a horse before. Is this why old westerns are filled with toothless drunks , because ol'betsy kicked em all in the face ?

Come on now it's one thing to try and ride a wild animal . I know every guy looks at moose and thinks to himself  " Bet I could ride it " But I'm fairly certain I don't know anybody who thinks they're bad enough to pick up it's foot and start hammering something into it. Now I know horses have hoofs and it's different but when you sit and think about it ............... it's the same.

Anyway I guess I  gotta give props where props are do. So here's to that first hard core , no nonsense , shaving with a snake , eating a cactus for breakfast , wipe his ass with rock , bad action , horseshoein sonofabitch. I'm sure he liked his whisky hot , his gun loaded and his women in a line. I'm sure there is a special place in man heaven for him. God rest his soul .

                                                     this has been a hapa  blap